Cheese With Your Whine?
7.28.2005
To my sweet girl...Dear Punkin,
You are chaging so much! You've got lots of teeth now - 8 to be exact. It really changes your smile...no more big gummy grins. You are such a busy little girl and you make me so happy.
Today you had a great day at school. I walked in and you ran over to me gave me a big hug and kiss. Talk about making a crummy day right! When we left, you blew kisses to Ms. Aja and Ms. Jacquie - both of whose names you can say now. You regular teacher is back - Ms. Janine. I've not met her yet, but everyone says that you like her. Ms. Tania is still in your class too. You adore her.
I still struggle with your having to be somewhere all day while I'm somewhere else. Are you okay? I mean, really, are you? I so wish I could get inside that cute little head of yours and know what's going on in there. I miss you so much when I at work. I want to give you hugs and kisses and know that you're happy. You won't understand until you have a baby of your own how much I love you and how consuming your child can be.
Then there's the mommy guilt. Why doesn't anyone tell you about that before you have kids? I feel guilty that your sperm donor isn't in the picture. You can read my long letter to you about that someday. I promise you that I will always be completely honest with you about the situation. It's such a struggle sometimes to juggle being mom, dad, breadwinner, comforter, and everything else you need and I constantly feel inadequate. I hope with all my heart that someday it will all make sense for you and that you won't harbor any hate toward me because I am doing this on my own.
Precious girl, I know you are in my life for a reason. You saved me. You opened my heart up and have taught me that it's okay to allow myself to be vulnerable. That's what real love is - surrendering yourself to someone else and taking everything that comes with it. I don't know if I could have done it had I not looked into your sweet eyes and felt a love so deep it physically hurts. It is overwhelming in so many ways, so wonderful and scary and exciting.
I can only hope that I can teach you as you have taught me. I want you to know that you are loved, unconditionally, no strings attached and forever. When you hurt, come to me. When you're happy let me laugh with you. When your heart breaks, I'll bring the tissues.
I want so badly to be all that you need, want and deserve. Sometimes I just don't know what that is, though. I suppose all I can do is the best that I know right now in this moment. And I know one thing I can do that *is* right - love you. And boy, do I love you.
All my love forever,
Mee-Moo
