Cheese With Your Whine?
4.11.2006
12:26 pmMy girl will be 2 whole years old in about 12 hours. Wow.
I am kind of mushy as I sit here and remember the night before she was born. I was living in Oklahoma City and Katie came over from Stillwater to stay the night. We went to dinner at Mimi's and shared some kick ass meatloaf. She was 10 weeks pregnant with Conan.
After that we went to watch Ladykillers. (If you haven't seen it don't waste your time.) Then we went back to my apartment and talked for a while and then she went to bed. I couldn't sleep.
I remember feeling very bittersweet about the events of the next day. I was filled with excitement and sadness. Excitement to finally get that little booger here and figure out what it would be like to be a mom.
Sadness because I felt like I was in a way losing something. In a few hours I would 'have to' share her with the rest of the world. I would never feel her kick and move inside of me again. She would no longer hear my every breath and heartbeat. No more restless nights of trying to find a comfortable position to lie in because there was a head in my ribs (the breach little stinker) or foot on my bladder. No more would she be just mine.
She got hiccups for the first time at about 3:00 that morning.
I loved being pregnant. I was never alone. And at that point in my life when I was alone in so many other ways, knowing that I always had her with me and could talk and sing and cry to her was awesome in the truest sense of the word. Really and truly awesome.
I knew that while she was inside of me that I could protect her - from the evil in the world, from heat, cold, and pain. And the idea that after she was born, knowing I would lose some of that ability scared me. And it still does. She is her own person now. I can't be with her all the time.
Being a mom is such a strange thing. It is rewarding beyond belief. But it is also scary as hell. It's frustrating too. No one tells you that when you're pregnant and even if they did, you wouldn't get what they mean anyway.
I can't imagine my life without my girl. She's such a little person now. I mean a PERSON. She has a mind of her own. She can tell me what she wants and doesn't want. She can give me kisses, tell me she loves me and that I'm beautiful, and then in the next moment scream for me to put her down or chuck her juice cup across the room because she's mad about something. I can talk to her on the phone.
I want to do right by her and there are times that I am struck with a profound sense of unworthiness and inadequacy. Am I really all she needs? Is she going to be okay without her donor in her life? What if I try really, really hard and still screw up?
I don't have all the answers to those questions. All I know is that I love her. So much that I can't breathe sometimes. So much that there are times I wish I could put her back in my tummy so that I can protect her and she will never feel the pain of being picked on or having her heart broken. I also love her so much that I can't wait to see what she becomes and who she is as an adult.
Thank you, sweet girl for being who you are. Thank you for kisses in the morning, hugs in the evening and cuddles at night. Thank you for being the bright spot in my world and the only reason I can think of to get out of bed in the morning some days.
I love you. You'll have no idea how much until you give me grandbabies and hold your own little ones.
I'm trying, girlie. I'm trying to do right. I screw up and am going to continue to. Hang in there with me. And know that I love you. God, do I love you.
