Cheese With Your Whine?
11.21.2005
I hope you're happyI hate dreams sometimes. Mine are always very vivid and emotional and often affect me the next day. It sucks.
Nate, you should be able to relate to this story somewhat. It's my version of what you're afraid of when it comes to dating up there in IA.
Anyway, I had a dream last night about the one I left in Oklahoma City when I moved south. He's honestly one of the best people I've ever met. He helped me a lot as I was leaving the hell that was my old life. I can honestly say that I don't know if I would be here today were it not for him.
He came and got me the first time I went out and got drunk - by myself - because I was hurting like mad and didn't know what to do. I had drank a margarita, tequila sunrise, some things with vodka and then took two shots of 151. Can you say fucked up? At that point in my life, I was lost and he was there. He was also my first. Over the course of two years he stood by me through my stupidity, and eventually we fell for each other. He was the sanity to the craziness that was my world.
While I was pregnant, he was there, fascinated by the whole miracle of pregnancy, and didn't mind that my body was changing and that I felt fat. Talk about loving someone unconditionally. Even though he knew that the punkin wasn't his, he loved her. Rylee recognized his voice when I was pregnant, and went crazy when she heard him talk. He would talk to her and pat my belly.
During the pregnancy, we became exclusive, and even talked about marriage. At the time I would have loved to have his ring on my finger. After the birth, we drifted apart a bit. I don't know if he was freaked out by what a baby really meant, or if it was me realizing that I wanted something more than what I had there. I decided that I needed a change and decided to move to TX to start over and we talked about moving together. But he's finishing his degree and trying to decide if he wants to be an architect or professional body builder. He's got an equally good chance at both.
I was not at all prepared to stay where I was and he couldn't move. I guess you could say that we did not love each other enough. That we knew it wasn't right - at least then.
We still talk every few months. We left 'us' at the point of living our lives, moving on and it if it's meant to be down the road it will happen. I'm sure it's not though. I'm a much different person than I was then. And he is too. But I'm okay with it. I've got a great life, a bit of romance back in it and I'm where I need to be.
Back to the dream. Last night I dreamed that he was getting married. While I'm not entirely looking forward to the day I hear that, I really do want him to be happy. And that's the problem; he wasn't. He was miserable, in fact and only getting married for the sake of getting married. I woke up in tears.
It made me miss him terribly and wonder what's really going on. I want to call and ask, but how psycho does that look? I think he'd understand, but I probably won't make the call. Maybe I'll shoot him an email.
I will always love him. I'm not in love with him - not even a little bit - but he will always have a part of my heart. He's an amazing person and I want the best for him. I hope he's happy.
*~*~*~UPDATE *~*~*~
NO, he is not about to be unhappily married! LOL. We had a great conversation and now I don't miss him. He's happy. Good for you, babe!
