10.14.2005
Because of youI will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me,
but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you
Ever wonder what your kids will have to deal with because of you? I've dealt with a lot of BS because of my mom. I can relate to this song in lots of ways. Kelly Clarkson says this song is about her parents divorce and how she doesn't want to make those same mistakes.
Because of my mom I'm afraid to trust. Because of her, I have a hard time letting anyone else in. Because of her, there are certain things I'm so afraid I might pass along to Rylee, that I worry I'll go too far the other way. I don't want her to cry at night "for the same damn thing" that I have.
I want to instill a love for people in her, but not blind trust. I want her to be strong, but not hard. I want her to make her own decisions, but not be hurt by them. It's such a fine line to walk as a parent.
It's not that everything my mom did was wrong - of course not. But I really think she missed the boat on the big things. I don't want to repeat her mistakes. Of course that probably just means that I'll make my own that Rylee will be determined not to repeat.
I don't want her to make my mistakes. But I don't want her to be afraid to live either.
I hope the worst that she can ever say is because of me is a big butt and flat chest. Not a broken heart and wounded spirit. God, I hope she can't say those things.
I say all the time that we have to do the best we can with the information we have in this moment. And I do. I just worry that someday that won't be enough. I'm afraid that the fact that I love her more than I love myself won't satisfy her. I hope so, but I just don't know. The crappy thing about parenting is that you don't know how you've done until it's too late.
