Cheese With Your Whine?
10.27.2005
To Kendie...Hey, there, sweet girl! I don't know if you're reading this or if you'll even know I've posted to you, but
I love you!
And I'm thinking about you.
((((big hugs))))
10.24.2005
Pink FlamingosThis weekend I decided that it was time for Rylee to go to the zoo for the first time. We had a really nice time and the weather was GORGEOUS! Sunday we were going to go to the pumpkin patch, but it was as nasty on Sunday as it was beautiful on Saturday.
Today we're both home sick. Rylee threw up three times early this morning. I've yakked once. Lovely. Of course I have an interview tomorrow. I'm just hoping with everything in me that I feel better tomorrow. I'd hate to have to run to the bathroom to puke and crap in the middle of an interview.
Here are some pics from the weekend.
Look, Mom! An airplane!!
I can't get this kid to look AT the camera to save my life!
Those were some big ole fish!
What could possibly keep Rylee so entrhalled?
That's right - pink flamingos!
And no trip to the zoo would be complete without a healthy hotdog ;-) and Kool Aid from an elephant shaped bottle!
And we got all dressed up in pumpkin-esque clothes for the un-trip to the pumpkin patch. She's a ham.
Well, I'd better finish. She's standing here yelling "MAMA!!!" Right in my ear!
10.21.2005
Me and the PunkinI got the pics back from this weekend. Here they are. Don't scroll down if you are offended by nursing pictures. There's only minor boobage. Oh, and pardon the quality. I had to take a pic of the pic, because my scanner isn't working.
And here's the nursing pic that I've wanted for 18 months.
10.20.2005
Aren't we past this yet?I was talking to the manager at work the other day. We were talking about money and I told him that I was just not really making it on what BigBossMan is paying me. This was the rest of our conversation:
M: You're not making it on $X? That's kind of hard to believe.
C: Well, I've got daycare, and I spend a fortune on gas driving back and forth.
M: Yeah, I know all that, but you should just be grateful. I don't know too many women who make that much money.
C: What does the fact that I'm a woman have to do with anything?
M: Nothing I guess. I'm just saying that for a woman you get paid well.
(This is where I had to exert much self-control to not rip his f-ing head off.)
C: I should be well compensated. I've got a degree and 8 years of experience, and I'm good at what I do. A man would be paid well to do this.
Maybe he's missed the last 50 years or so, but supposedly we've made some progress in the whole realm of equal pay for equal work.
Paid well for a woman, my ass.
Wow. Yesterday was an interesting day. I had a second interview scheduled for 5:30 with the company I was so excited about last week. Given that, I had great plans to wake up extra early and make sure that the hair and outfit were perfect. So why in God's name did my alarm decide to not go off?? I woke up at 6:30, which is when I'm supposed to be out the door. I left, not only without great hair, but with only a whore bath, no makeup and with the realization that my black suit jacket is in my car at the repair shop in Frisco - about 20 minutes in the wrong direction.
Fortunately, I've become quite adept at applying make and doing my hair in the car while stuck in traffic.
Given my clothing dilemma, I was in quite a pickle and went at lunch to the only mall around here and Dillards was having a great sale. But, do you know how freakin hard it is to find a plain black jacket? I was wearing striped pants and the only jacket I could find in the whole place had pinstripes. Now, I'm panicking. There's no way I would show up to an interview and not be in a suit. So, I ended up having to buy a pair of plain black pants - again tricky to find this time of year - when I've got about 12 pairs at home. Grrrr....
I headed back to work, dealt with the drama of the jilted insurance agent, and then left a bit early to go get Rylee. The only trouble with her being here in Garland with me is that she's here. Which means when I have to go to Las Colinas, there is no time to drive her back to McKinney and THEN go over there. Fortunately, Kellie who lives on that side of the world was sweet enough to meet me at the place of the interview and take Rylee and Lanie to the park while I was there.
I got to the interview early, and was feeling good, even if a bit frazzled due to my lack of great hair. I kissed the punkin goodbye and walked out of the garage into the building. During my drive over, it dawned on me that I had also left the phone number and suite number of the person I was to interview with in the car. No biggie, I'd just ask the security guard what suite they're in, right?
So I went in, and asked.
C: Can you tell me what suite {company} is in?
Security: We don't have anyone by that name in this building. This is 125. Are you sure they didn't say 225?
C: Yes, I'm sure.
Just knowing that I'm right, I rode the elevator to every single floor and looked around for the company. Nothing.
By this time I'm seriously panicking and it's about 5:35. I'm late, which I hate. So I went back down and talked to another security guard and he told me that they have had lots of people ask for this company and that they're in the building down the street.
Great.
I race out to my car, and park in some other mammoth garage and then go in and ask, with the exact same results as I had in building 125. Nothing. But they direct me to another building.
Freakin great.
I head over there, sweating from my travels, frustrated and embarrassed by my tardiness. I was almost in tears and ready to call Kellie and tell her to come back, that I had just blown an interview by my stupidity, when my phone rang and it was HER!!!
By now, it's 5:45. But she tells me to go back to building 125 and go to the 12th floor. I had already been there and the entire floor was occupied by another company.
"Oh yeah, we share a suite with them."
COULD YOU NOT HAVE TOLD ME THAT BEFORE??????
OMG, I was so frustrated, but put on a happy face, wiped the sweat off and took some deep breaths.
And nailed the interview!! I think I'm going to get an official offer on Friday!!! I loved the area over there and it would be a nice place to live - farther from all my McKinney friends, but if they love me, they'll meet me in Frisco! ;-)
Now my quandary is that I also have an interview with this company next Tuesday and I would like that job too. It's doing exactly what I used to do and it is where I need to be money wise. It's more than I've ever made in my life. The one last night will be a bit less that what I really want, but has the potential to be huge.
Decisions...I guess I'll just spend my day being grateful that I might actually have some options. And waiting for my phone to ring.
10.19.2005
Drama, Drama, DramaYou would *think* that at some point in people's lives they would grow up!!!! We switched insurance agents at work and lemme tell the old guy is not going down without a fight. It's very much like highschool. I've been on the phone all morning trying to put that fire out.
So, to the former agent, I say this:
I understand that it's a bummer to lose an account, but if you'd been worth a shit, you wouldn't have. Now get off my phone. Go away. You lost and it's your fault. I'm not going to baby you or change my mind. Ever.
10.17.2005
Eee-Boe!!How does an 18-month old's mind turn the word help into EEEE-BOE? She is particularly fond of using it in the car when there's nothing I can do to eee-boe her. It starts out at a normal decibel level and then escalates to full blow screaming with the last syllable ending at the pitch of a bad opera singer. And she can do it for a lllllooooonnnngggg time!!!
R: eeee-boe!
C: Rylee, mama can't help you right now. I have to drive.
R: EEEE-BOE!!!
C: Baby, just put your arm back through you sleeve. You can do that.
R: EEEEEEEEE-BBBBOOOOOEEEEE!!!!!!
This is the point at which normal conversation is pointless and the only thing I can do it turn up the radio to try and drown it out.
Saturday, I took the car into the repair shop to get it fixed (happy dance!). This place of course did not have a rental car company inside it like a lot of them do, so we had to wait about an hour for the Enterprise guy to drag his sorry ass there.
Rylee was already at meltdown and being outside, juice and snacks had long lost their persuasive power. Silly me, I thought he would bring us the car we were going to have and then all we'd have to do is drop the driver off. Not so. We ended up having to go there, get out, and wait another 45 minutes for the car we were going to be driving.
Meltdown City.
Hungry, tired baby + crabby mom = no fun for anyone.
But we finally got on our way, 3 hours and two carseat transfers later.
Yesterday, we had an appointment at Glamour Shots because I wanted to get some decent pictures of the two of us. That and I have a picture of me at 18 months that I wanted to recreate with Rylee so that I can frame them in a shadow box. Kelly was going at about the same time so we all got there, and while she was getting all prettied up, her mom and I took the kids to play.
Then it was my turn. Oh. My. Gawd. It took that woman two hours to do what I do in about 20 minutes. So of course by the time 4:00 rolls around, my sweet girl is beyond tired and we got a whopping two pictures. There were no good ones of the two of us, but she did get a gorgeous close up of Rylee's face, and she got a great nursing shot.
I thought that maybe if she nursed, she'd be okay, but that just put her to sleep, so again, after 3 hours that were basically unproductive we were on our way. No pictures of us together and no 18 month shot I wanted.
Fortunately, Kelly is a saint and also a damn good photographer, so we're going to do the picture of Rylee on Thursday. Gotta love that.
All in all it wasn't a bad weekend. We had lots of cuddle time last night. She is such a lovey girl.
Today she's at Deana's full time. I hope she's really happy there. It's really sucks to have to leave her. I hate it. I'm gonna marry the first man I meet who can make me a stay at home mom.
10.14.2005
Because of you**Edited to remove video and insert lyrics, so that someday Rylee will know what song we're talking about. Love you, punkin!
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me,
but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you
Ever wonder what your kids will have to deal with because of you? I've dealt with a lot of BS because of my mom. I can relate to this song in lots of ways. Kelly Clarkson says this song is about her parents divorce and how she doesn't want to make those same mistakes.
Because of my mom I'm afraid to trust. Because of her, I have a hard time letting anyone else in. Because of her, there are certain things I'm so afraid I might pass along to Rylee, that I worry I'll go too far the other way. I don't want her to cry at night "for the same damn thing" that I have.
I want to instill a love for people in her, but not blind trust. I want her to be strong, but not hard. I want her to make her own decisions, but not be hurt by them. It's such a fine line to walk as a parent.
It's not that everything my mom did was wrong - of course not. But I really think she missed the boat on the big things. I don't want to repeat her mistakes. Of course that probably just means that I'll make my own that Rylee will be determined not to repeat.
I don't want her to make my mistakes. But I don't want her to be afraid to live either.
I hope the worst that she can ever say is because of me is a big butt and flat chest. Not a broken heart and wounded spirit. God, I hope she can't say those things.
I say all the time that we have to do the best we can with the information we have in this moment. And I do. I just worry that someday that won't be enough. I'm afraid that the fact that I love her more than I love myself won't satisfy her. I hope so, but I just don't know. The crappy thing about parenting is that you don't know how you've done until it's too late.
10.13.2005
Here and there and everywhereThat's where my mind is. I canNOT concentrate today - haven't been able to for a while now. I'm just antsy. What up with that? I think I have ADD. Seriously. It's miserable. I've got a ton of stuff to do and I can't keep my mind on it for more than 10 minutes at a time.
Car. Job. Home. Saturday. Pumpkin patch. Month end close. Book payroll. Call Amy. Talk to Mike. Wonder what Mr. D. is doing now. I like him. A lot. How is Rylee? Next week at Deana's. What's for dinner? When's the phone bill due? Need to place Arbonne order. Love my boots. What did he just say? Damn, the phone is ringing. No, I'm not done with that yet. Will the new insurance cover an IUD? Oh, I owe the gyno money. Gotta pay that first. If I move, will have to find a new one. And a new pediatrician. Want a smoke. Need some sex. Gotta pay payroll taxes. Need to file. Have to take the car for a repair quote tomorrow. Don't know where I'm going. Need money for deductible. Must get blue sheet from PD. I like hockey. So does Rylee. I think I bought gas with the wrong credit card. Must do laundry tonight. Still haven't done 2004 taxes. Bummer. Will owe money. Am I going to jail for that? Why haven't I heard about a second interview with N's company yet? Does that mean I'm not going to get that job.
Seriously, that's what my mind is doing. I almost can't even finish this sentence because I'm on to thinking about the fact that I need to call manager at the other store.
MAKE IT STOP!!! Please.
I'm glad you're with me today. I've missed you. We've not been together since I was barely pregnant, and my feet decided to swell.
I love you. I love that you fit around my chunky calves. You make me feel sexy and in control. I need that today.
10.12.2005
Look up, look upSee that ticker up there at the top of the page?? It says 18 months. How the hell did that happen?
Here's our first picture together:
And one when she was only hours old.
Notice our matching double chins.
10.11.2005
When can you start?I heard those four glorious words tonight!!! Now, it wasn't an offer. I've still got to have a second interview, which will hopefully happen Thursday or Friday, but this guy was impressed and I think any time you hear those words, it's a good sign. I would LOVE this job, I think. It's a smaller company that basically is an outsourced accounting department, from the clerks to CFO and Controller. There's a huge potential for growth. In fact, he wants to 'groom' (I hate that word) whoever he brings on to be the controller or CFO.
OMG, you guys, it would be awesome. As for the cha-ching....it's more than what I'm making now, but not exactly what I wanted - only about 10% more. But in his words, if I come on and do a good job and am in fact groomed for advancement, money won't be an issue. Geez, wouldn't that be nice.
Anyway, I really appreciate all the support I've gotten from you guys. Keep sending job getting vibes my way and send Mr. N. subliminal messages to hire Cassy, hire Cassy!
I've been moaning a lot lately, but I really do have a great life. Here's what I'm thankful for today:
1. Rylee. Need I say more?
2. Mr. Man from work is fixing my car on Saturday
3. I have a degree that, even though I felt pressued to get in accounting, has proved to be an effective way to make a living for me and my girl. A better job is on the horizon, and even though this one sucks, it has still (mostly) paid the bills for a few months.
4. I have choices.
5. I have Internet. Love the web and blogging.
6. My car. Looks like crap but gets me to work and to all of these interviews.
7. Fall is coming.
8. Wonderful friends.
9. A bit of romance back in my life, hence the giddiness spoken of in the previous post.
10. A new pair of pants - good interview outfit.
11. My health, and Rylee's.
I think I'll stop there, but I could go on and on. As bad as life gets, it *always* gets better. Maybe not in our timing, maybe not exactly how we expect it to, but it gets better.
Giddy as a schoolgirl. And that's all I have to say about that. =D
The interview last night was odd. These people didn't even make eye contact with me! The guy told the recruiter that he wanted someone with personality. Funny, because he didn't have any! Anyway, even if they wanted a second interview, I would say no because they want me to travel 4 or 5 times a year, for 3 or 4 days at a time. Ummm....no.
But I have two more interviews today - one at 11:30 and one at 5:30. I'm really interested in the one at 5:30. I want it.
10.10.2005
She loves me!I am amazed by my little girl and how she is becoming just that - a little girl and not a baby. She has gotten so lovey, constantly running up to me and giving me hugs just because, or patting me on the back and kissing me.
Her love is unconditional right now and that is a new thing to me. She loves me. Period. She wants to be with me, regardless of how my breath smells or my hair looks. It doesn't matter if I'm broke or my car looks like it belongs in a junkyard. She just knows that I'm her mama and that's all that matters.
It's amazing. It makes me feel special and invincible. I love her.
We have a standing date on Thursday evenings with Kelly (whose blog I am not going to link here because she *never* updates it!). Her hubby is working and she's always got BOGO coupons, so we can manage to eat somewhere pretty cheap and let Corbin and Rylee play - as much as kids their ages actually play together.
So this last week we went to good ole McDonalds, so that they could play and not have to be couped up in highchairs or a booth. Rylee really wanted to go up in the playplace but couldn't do it by herself, so you know who ended up climbing through that contraption with her. My knee is black and blue and beginning to turn yellow from that exercise. Note to self: You're too large for the play place at McD's. It was fun, though. Little things like that I'll always remember. Her face just lit up every time we made a turn. When we got to the slide, she was so excited to sit on my lap and whoosh down!
Again, I'm amazed at what a kid - not a baby - she is!
She spent Friday at Deana's again, and she did well. She likes that woman. That strange looking 6 foot tall, long legged, flat butted, big boobed, LOUD woman! I just love having her closer to where I am at work. That being 45 minutes away is for the birds!
Interviews today and tomorrow!!! I also got two calls this weekend from people who want interviews, so I've got to call them back at lunch today.
Things will change...things will change....I just have to keep telling myself that. I was so depressed yesterday and spent about 2.5 hours in bed with Rylee while she took a nap. I've just gotta be patient, which is not my strong suit.
10.09.2005
I lost my virginity last nightMy hockey virginity. And I gave it up on the second date. Hockey is an interesting sport. What other sport has three periods?? And where else is it legal to fight until one person is down or bloody - excluding WWF or UFC or some such thing?
We had a good time and Rylee is all about hockey now. She kept saying it over, and over, and over. She was an angel. I expected it to be miserable because she was a crab yesterday, but we got there, she was entertained and had a good time. I am quite certain though, that I'm the only person to ever nurse an 18 month old at a hockey game!
The shitty part was before the game. What would be one of the worst things that could happen to my car? No, not getting stolen. That would be a blessing and I would be willing to pay a sizeable amount to make that happen? It would be to not have ANY headlights!!!
When we got to the arena, I pulled into the parking garage. I was going down the ramp and found a good spot that I was just a tad in front of. I spotted a car at the top of the ramp, but knew that I had enough time to get into my spot before it made it to where I was. But, as soon as I put mine in reverse the little Ford Ranger, sped up to me and got right on my ass not letting me back up at all. I turned on my blinker, rolled down my window and motioned to where I wanted to park, and he edged closer to my bumper. Frustrated, I muttered "jackass" under my breath and went on down and around.
Down and around turned out to be blocked off, so I again turn and make a left turn. Now FR is in front of me. I realized that we would be going the wrong way if we continued, so I put my car in reverse and look up, just in time to see the short-dick-motherfucker driving the Ranger put his in reverse, and FUCKING SLAM into me!!!!!!!
In shock at what just happened, I put my car into park and got out. The asshole made eye contact with me and sped off, going the wrong way up a one-way ramp. There were several cars and lots of pedestrians around. No one got his license plate number, but I talked to the attendant at the entrance to the garage, who had seen the whole thing. He got on his magic walkie-talkie and alerted all of the other attendants to be on the lookout for a gold Ford Ranger and to not let him out. We also called the cops and I talked to them for a while. They were certain that they'd find him.
So much for certainty. We got nuthin. NOT A DAMN THING!!! So I called the damn Gecko, and of course I have a thousand dollar deductible. My left headlight is hanging on precariously, ready to fall out at the first large bump I hit. My hood is warped and there's a dent in the bumper. ["Ladies and Gentlemen, Cassy is modeling our warped left font bumper and dangling headlight. It's all the rage this fall and looks lovely when paired with our somewhat retro missing right headlight from two seasons ago."]
I am so frustrated. I am a walking example of Murphy's Law. Who does this happen to? I mean really? Anyone else out there lost a headlight not once, but twice to hit and run motorists???
The cops asked what I wanted to do to him and I said "kill him." They didn't laugh at me. That's okay. I wasn't being funny.
10.06.2005
The proper response is "Thank you"I am horrible about accepting help. Awful. It's difficult to accept it because that means I need it, which sucks in and of itself.
As I've mentioned before, my car has body damage and no headlight, thanks to a hit and run over two years ago and the fact that the Gecko sucks ass. So this guy at work has been giving me crap about getting it fixed. He's actually a contractor and doesn't really work here, but he called me today and basically told me that he is getting a headlight for me and is going to put it in. Of course I told him that I don't have the money to pay him for it, and he said not to worry - that I could pay him when/if I get the money.
I was in tears when I hung up the phone. How nice is that? And yet, my gut reaction is to say no. No you can't do that for me. No, I'm not going to let you be out time or money to help me. No. No. No.
There's a part of me that would rather drive around in a beat up car until I had the $1,800 to just go pay a body shop to do it (which obviously has already stretched into years) than let a nice guy help a me out.
I'm humbled by it and I'm grateful. Just wish I didn't have to be.
***On a happier note, I just now got an interview for Monday night with a compay that is going to pay more than I'm making now. Whoo hoo!! The down side is that there is minimal travel involved in the months of Sept and Oct due to year end closing. ***
Not sure. Nothing on the job front yet. I did just talk to the person I interviewed with last week and she said that they will be reviewing resumes with the CFO this evening, so *maybe* I'll hear about another interview tomorrow. Hopefully, so. I have an interview with a recruiter tomorrow. He's got several things he wants to visit about.
Rylee will be at Deana's tomorrow again. I turned in our two week notice at Primrose, so she will start full time there a week from Monday. She really liked it there, which of course makes me very happy. =D
I found the tattoo I want. Unfortunately, they want you to buy it so that your artist has the line art, so I can't even copy it and post it here, but it's neato! I'm going to buy it tomorrow, and then I've got to take it to the place the tattoo'd girl in Wal-Mart recommended and see how much they'll want to do it for me. I'm thinking that I might make it a Christmas present to me from me. I'm my own sugar mama.
The store manager walked in this morning and told me he left his wife last night. What the hell do you say to something like that?
I'll write more later. It's a dreary day here in north Texas - the perfect kind to be home with candles burning, wearing sweats and playing with your baby girl. Not for working in an office at a job you don't like. ;-)
10.04.2005
I'm GOING to do it!!Get a tatoo, that is. I've wanted to forever, and I'm just going to do it. I really want one on my boob. I want an orange tulip above my nipple with the stem wrapping around it. I got that idea waaaayyyy back in college. But everyone tells me that it will hurt like a mofo there, so I think I'm going to get one on my ankle first. Now I need to decide what exactly. I like the whole idea of an orange tulip (that's my favorite flower), but I want it to be unique. What to do, what to do. Also, it needs to be tasteful, given that I wear strappy sandals and skirts to work a lot, and tatoos are not the epitome of professionalism.
I've thought about having Katie design some type of abstract looking pumpkin, in honor of you know who, but what if I have more kids....keep getting tatoos? That's out.
Anyone have any good ideas?
10.03.2005
Fur no moreI'm no longer furry. Eyes up, you! I'm talking about my eyebrows, not *down there*. Went at lunch and got a wax and man do I feel better.
That's all.
10.02.2005
How many bananas is too many?Just wondering, because my kid ate 4.5 today.
Rylee did great on Friday at Deana's. She went right to her in the morning. Of course she did cry when I left, but only for a few minutes and then the rest of the day did great. I *think* I've decided to place her there. I want to check a couple more references and if they are good, that's where she'll go. Life is so ironic because I got a call on Friday from the Primrose over here that they have an immediate opening. Funny, considering that two days ago they had a 4 kid waiting list. Anyway, I'm planning to give two weeks notice in McK tomorrow.
Friday night we went over to Trophy Club to hang out for the garage sales on Saturday. I didn't find a bed for the punkin, but I did get a cool toy organizer that I'd been wanting for only $10, so that was worth it.
Speaking of garage sales, Katie decided that she wants to do one this coming weekend, so I've been thinking of what to get rid of. ALL the baby stuff if going and I'm even going to sell her furniture now. Crazy I know, but I want to get rid of it so that I can do her big girl room when we move and I don't think December is a good garage sale month. Hopefully, I'll make some pretty good money. I've got a crib, mattress, all her bedding, the changing table, dresser, a stroller, the pack and play, and lots of other miscellaneous things like a bouncy seat and excersaucer. That should go quite a way toward the new room fund.
I'm going to get the material for the quilt tomorrow so that B can take it to her mom this next weekend. I should get it back at Thanksgiving! I'm so excited!!!
No news on the job front Friday. I'm hoping to hear something tomrrow. I also talked to two recruiters and they both have several jobs in my mandatory salary range. No one seems to think that it'll be too tough to place me, so I'm feeling better about things. I really want to move to the apartments I found. They're pretty central metroplex and I like the area.
I'm pretty tired tonight. I think punkin is getting sick. She was super crabby today, all day. I'm gonna hit the sack and watch Grey's anatomy. Love that show!